Birthday Words of Wisdom


Hat-tip to Nuke’s niece …..

• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

• If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

• We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

• War does not determine who is right — only who is left.

• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

• The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

• Evening news is where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.

• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole darn box to start a campfire?

• Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

• I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.

• A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

• Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR.”

• I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

• Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

• Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

• The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

• Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

• Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

• I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

• Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

• There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

• I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

• When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

• You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

• Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

• A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

• If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4 Responses

  1. Those were Great !
    I’ve seen several of those on t-shirts, posters, and mugs…..but there were Lots there that are new !

    Your niece should go to cafepress.com and sell items with her quotes on them !

    *
    Here are a few I’ve seen on t-shirts that I like :

    If I throw a stick, will you leave ?

    Just be happy I’m not a twin.

  2. Those are some good’uns!

  3. eggsellent!

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